ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE

Whoever came up with the saying "when it rains it pours" had to have had me in mind. The past couple of weeks have been ridiculous. We have 5 trucks 4 of which are in various stages of collapse and my truck. The jeep has a 6 inch lift kit and huge knobby tires and it always has a problem, like when the back wheel came off when Wes was coming home one night. You can only go about 45 or 50 mph and you HAVE to keep both hands on the wheels at all time because it's all over the road. The toyota doesn't start half the time and overheats the other half. It has a lock gas cap that you have to put the key in just so far then wiggle it while you're lifting up. Wes has no problem with it, I on the other hand, can't unlock it. After I drove in the driveway on fumes a couple of times he realized I wasn't joking when I said I wasn't going to spend 30 minutes at the gas pump getting so pissed off I thought I would bust a blood vein in my head, trying to unlock it. You have to constantly watch the gauges to make sure it's not overheating. There's the 4 wheel drive step side truck he bought from his dad, that doesn't shift gears sometimes so you have to drive it in low. I REFUSE to drive it because I just hate it-period. I don't have a reason other than I hate it. When I look at it I get pissed off. Reason enough.

I have to drive 30 miles to work and I am always running late. I don't want to have to drive 30 or 40 mph on back roads all the way to work or watch the temp gauge or worry about the wheel coming off. Wes has some freakish attachment to his vehicles that is beyond me. He doesn't mind any of that stuff and one or the other is always having to be worked on. If it were up to me I would park them in a little circle, pour gasoline on them and light them on fire

While he's a little freakish about those 3 "jewels" we both have an attachment to the flatbed. A 1978 one ton flatbed with a 350 and only granny gear 4 speed transmission. While he was in prison several of our friends worked on it, trying to make sure I had something to drive. Wes put a new engine in it and it fired right up. Then for reasons only he knows, he started ripping the interior out of it. WTF?? He decided to switch the cabs so it would have a newer model cab. Like all redneck projects, this one got pushed down the driveway than out in to the pasture, where it sat for 5 years. A couple of months ago he decided he probably should go try to start it and get it put back together, we were going to probably need it. He started it right up and pulled it back in to the driveway, where it has set.

This past week we were down to 1 truck, my Z71 that has 300,000 miles on it and leaks oil.  Luckily one of our good friends was leaving for a job out of town and decided to ride with someone instead of driving. He left me the keys in case we had problems. 2 days later, the first day of inventory at work when you can not be late, I was driving to work,  listening to diesel engine clatter instead of Blake Shelton on my Ipod, thinking about broke down vehicles and no money to fix them. Maybe it was time for a change, a fresh start. I could just throw everything in the front yard and light it all on fire. Of course, I better not burn my truck up, I'd have to have a way to get to my fresh start and what if I broke down after I got there? I wouldn't have enough money yet to fix my truck and I wouldn't know anyone so I wouldn't have a truck I could borrow so I wouldn't be able to go to my new high paying fancy job and would get fired.

Probably best to stay right here, listening to Blake Shelton or the diesel clatter while I drive to my low paying menial job with people I know and like a lot and be thankful that I have a friend good enough to let me drive his truck even though he knows I smoke, text and put my make up on and speed because I'm late for work. If nothing else I can always set Wes' trucks on fire!!!

THE REDNECK WAY

There's a lot of jokes about Rednecks and duct tape but it's true. Rednecks can fix anything with duct tape. Look in a Redneck's truck and you will find duct tape, ratchet straps, come-alongs and baling wire. That and a hammer, cresent wrench and pliers you can do anything. Although it can be tricky. A guy I know slid off a muddy road & got stuck. He hooked his come-along around a tree to try and pull the truck out but it wouldn't come, so he got the brilliant idea to put a rock on the gas pedal and wedge a stick in the steering wheel so the wheels would stay going straight. The truck came out of the mud on the second pull but when it jerked the stick broke so the steering wheel was free and the truck started driving around the tree. He slipped the first try to get in the driver's door and it ran over his foot. He got in the second try and got it stopped just as it snugged up against the tree. I swear to you I am not making this up.

Rednecks keep everything, as I mentioned before, in case something needs to be fixed or they need to build something, When you're driving around you can tell a redneck's house. There will be junked out trucks, farm equipment, lumber, pipe, rolls of barb wire "out back".  Then there's the old house deal. Around here you'll be driving by a nice place then see an old falling in trailer house or a dilapidated house with half of the roof gone behind the nice house.  Most of them look like the next big thunderstorm we have will blow the down but there they sit. I guess they're saving them for parts too. Another reliable tell is the house will be rundown but there will be a nice new barn or shop beside it. There are the places where there's a frame up for a shop or barn but it's never been finished. Then there's the places where the horses and/or cows are grazing in the front yard and there's round bales of hay lined along the driveway,

Then there's the scarier places that sit back off the road that you can't see. There's a driveway with a pack of dogs lying in the middle of it. Kind of like my husband's great uncle's place. His great aunt & uncle lived in the Timber Hills in a salvage. All you could see from the road was the shop but over the rise were 2 ancient trailer houses. They lived in one with one of their daughters and her daughter & husband. Their other daughter and her husband and their 3 kids lived in the other. When you drove up the driveway all whole mess of snot nosed bare footed kids would scatter leaving a pack of mangy dogs and bunch of chickens with about 5 feathers on each of them. The kids were going to worn the grown ups someone was there and who it was. Strangers did not pull up that driveway, not that there were any strangers driving around out there any way. Don't get me wrong, when you went in the houses they were always spotless. I don't remember a time that we showed up that we weren't offered a plate of food and a drink and a place to sleep if it started getting late. They didn't have much but whatever they had was ours if we needed it because we were family and family takes care of one another. That, my friends is the Redneck Way,

REDNECKS & FOOTBALL

HAPPY NEW YEAR ya'll!! We survived the holiday season. Another college football season is behind us, Bama's Crimson Tide won another championship. The deep south is full of happy rednecks. Professional football play offs have started. My Saints are out, so I'm not that excited about it. In the south football is a big deal, a very big deal. You don't even want to mention the hated BCS. It's the opinion of most redneck football fans that they've ruined the college football bowl season. We prefer the good ol days when the only bowl games were the Rose, Orange & Sugar bowls. The winner of the Rose or Orang e bowl would be the national champs. That was back when the Alabama, Auburn, Florida, USC, UCLA, Michigan, Penn State, Texas and of course my beloved Oklahoma Sooners were THE teams and one of them would usually win the National Championship. Here in Oklahoma folks include their season tickets in their Will. In town on Saturdays everybody is wearing shirts, hoodies & jerseys or at least, the colors of their favorite team. Every where you go, if they have a TV, college football is on. I've been with my mom, sister & grandma at the mall shopping and found a store with TVs in the window so that I could stand there and watch the OU-Texas game. Oklahoma-Texas is one of the best known rivalries in college football. The Red River Showdown has been the driving force behind a lot of things. Oklahoma fans have shirts, hats & window decals with the Longhorn head upside down on it and songs to be written. Years ago, when I was in school, there was always a battle of graffiti spray painted on every overpass between Dallas and Norman and numerous, sometimes obscene jokes about Bevo, the Longhorns mascot. Then there's Bedlam, the game between the 2 main Oklahoma teams, the OU Sooners & Oklahoma State Cowboys or Pokes. You're either a fan of one or the other. Very seldom do you find someone that likes both teams. I know Sooner fans that won't wear orange ever because it's Oklahoma State's school color. Same with Pokes fans, you won't catch them wearing the crimson color of the Sooners. I finally got to go to an Oklahoma football game, and it is one of the coolest things that I've ever gotten to do. When the Pride of Oklahoma marching band starts out on to the field and the drum major comes through them high stepping down the field while the band breaks in to the song Oklahoma gave me the chills. It's not just college ball either. High school football is a big deal too. I was leaving Bartlesville on a Friday evening and passed the Owasso team coming in to town for their games. The Rams rolled in to town on 2 coach touring buses for the team, 6 of their school buses, which look like Greyhound buses with a semi truck bringing up the rear carrying the equipment for the Pride of Owasso marching band. If you want to add the intimidation factor to your game, that's the way to do it. The Bartlesville newspaper had a big sports write up about the Caney Valley Trojans, from here in Ramona, possibly making the playoffs for the first time since 1980, when my husband played for them, when they were state champions. My family makes the play off games when their alma mater, the Wynnewood Savages, are playing. My Dad being a former Savage, it's only natural. We love our football! If you don't believe me all you have to do is read all the t shirts, hoodies & caps walking around, the bumper stickers & vanity plates on the cars & trucks in front of you.

I Survived Christmas

Hope Santa brought ya'll what you asked for. I got a new pair of cowboy boots. There is nothing better than getting new boots for Christmas. It just makes me happy, happy, happy. If I didn't get anything for Christmas for the rest of my life except boots and jeans, I would be absolutely happy. It was a great day with my folks and sister and taking Granny her gifts but I have to say I'm glad it's over. I do wish that people would leave their outside decorations & lights up until at least the end of February. There's no law saying they have to come down, well unless you live in one of those "yuppie subdivisions". Out here in the sticks we can do whatever we want and I think we should, at least, leave the lights up & decorations that aren't actual Christmas related. It's so depressing there's no leaves on the trees, the grass is dead. Everything outside is the same dull brown color. It would be great because you see Rednecks go crazy when it comes to Christmas lights and yard decorations. We will put lights on anything sitting or standing in the yard and the house. Lights made in to stars, bells, horses running, crosses & race cars. On highway 169 there's a house that always has some scene with race cars pulling Santa's sleigh. One year the cars and the sleigh were just leaving the ground and there was police car chasing them. That was my all time favorite. This year they have taken off and their is a blue car with yellow 48 numbers still on the ground with the hood up. Now if you're any kind of a redneck you know that #48 is the Lowes sponsored car, driven by Jimmie Johnson. Jimmie's won like 4 or 5 Nascar Championships in a row. You either love him or hate him. I think he's an arrogant ass so this little scene makes me smile every time I go past it. Out here closer to where I live a house has sprint cars made out of lights set up to look like they are racing. It's pretty awesome too. These are the kinds of decorations that should be left up for a while longer just to keep things a little more cheerful. The old tractor or wagon that's been wrapped in lights, they should leave them up all year long because they're just cool looking at night. I saw a windmill covered in lights, last night, and it looked pretty awesome too. Some times it's the little things like that can lift a person's spirits and put a smile on their face and isn't that kind of what the Christmas spirit is all about? So let me just say that Christmas lights should stay up as long you want to leave them up or at least until the trees start getting leaves again. It shouldn't be about spending a butt load of money, you don't have, to buy a bunch of presents. Christmas should be about family & friends and doing things for those less fortunate even if its just putting a smile on their face with your yard full of Christmas lights. Besides it wouldn't be that hard to take those lights in the shape of a bell or wreath and move them around a little to make a heart shape and there you go, Valentine's decorations. Know what I mean?

Looking Back

Went to Oklahoma City on Thursday for the funeral of my Grandma's sister. It's a shame that funerals have replaced family reunions. It seems they are the only time that families get together any more. Facebook Twitter and such have replaced getting together in person. Remember those reunions? The organizers picked a place so that everyone would be driving about the same distance. It always turned out to be some little town no one had ever been to. You load up as many family members as you could cram in the car, plus ice chests, toys, blankets & lawn chairs, drive 75-150 miles to a park that obviously had been mowed for the first time in a year, yesterday. Which didn't do anything but piss off the chiggers, mosquitoes, flies and other insects that had been living there undisturbed. There's a concrete slab with what's left of a cover after the big storm this past spring. A swing set with a couple of broken swings and a one of those metal slides that heats up to 250 degrees by noon. The water fountains didn't work and water barely trickled out of the only hydrant. But there was tons of good food, fried chicken, baked hams, potato salads, baked beans, cookies, pies & cakes. Not to mention all the fresh cucumbers, watermelons and other goods from the gardens. Lemonade and sweet tea by the gallons. In the end in spite of chiggers, red ants & flies everyone always had a good time. But back to my original thought. Aunt Mae's service was nice, the minister did a pretty good job. My mind wandered a few times but I think the message he was trying to send had to do with the legacy you leave behind and how family and who you are or how you are perceived are the important things not worldly possessions. As he put it "you've never seen a hearse pulling a U-Haul". That being said we sent Aunt Mae to be with the Angels in fine fashion. Even though I don't see them often enough I have a fantastic family that I love dearly and no matter how long between trips to southern Oklahoma, I never feel better than when I see that red dirt and I know I'm home.

If you're reading this than you are probably familiar with Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck" jokes. I got a book of them and was appalled to see that about half of them described my house and/or my life. I started wondering what exactly makes a person a redneck & do people know they're rednecks. I think geography has a lot to do with it. I live in Oklahoma so that explains a lot. Not only do I live in Oklahoma but I live in the country between 2 small almost non existent towns. My husband hunts & I love to fish so check that off and finally we both drive pick ups including a Jeep Scrambler, which is a Jeep pick up, with a lift kit, big tires and spotlights on top. I live in boots and have been known to wear them with cut offs and my swim suit. I do have a legitimate reason for wearing boots and a bikini. It was the first summer that the temperature was 108+ every day and we had an outbreak of snakes around the house and I was not about to step on a snake in flip flops. Our house is decorated in, what is now referred to as "collectibles" which means old stuff that isn't an antique and my husband's deer mounts, an elk mount, his grizzly bear and an antelope mount. A huge pile of deer sheds, which are their horns that have fallen off, elk sheds & a moose shed. Buffalo skulls & rocks. There's more to it than just that though. I food you eat says a lot about you too. Mine and Wes' favorite is gravy. If a redneck tells you that they want gravy, you know they don't mean brown gravy or some fancy sauce. Gravy is made from the grease of whatever you just fried except fish. NEVER use grease you fry fish in. Usually it's chicken fried steak, tenderized round steak for those of you that aren't familiar, fried chicken, pork chops, hamburger, sausage or bacon.

This is how I make mine: Save some of the grease back after you're done frying your meat. I don't know exactly how much I just eyeball it. Let the grease cool down then add 2-4 tablespoons of flour to the grease & dissolve. I now know this is called a rue. Then add milk, I don't know how much I just eyeball it. I turn the burner up on high and start stirring, I use a whisk or a fork, then turn the burner back to low & continue to stir and add pepper until you get the consistency you want. Gravy goes on mashed potatoes, of course, whatever meat you're having, bread or biscuits. Another important Food FYI; you can dip anything in a bowl with egg & milk in it then roll it in flour salt and pepper, throw it in some hot grease and it will taste good. The motto is everything tastes better fried and it does. In the summer there's nothing better than fried chicken, fried okra, fried squash, fried green tomatoes. Put that with some green beans and new potatoes cooked in a dutch over with bacon, or rubbing bacon grease on a sweet potato and baking it in the oven or cucumbers and onions that have been soaking in vinegar. Nothing fancy just good eats. Now in the sandwich department nothing can beat fried bologna or Underwoods Deviled Ham. Throw a piece of bologna in a skillet, cut a slit in it to keep it from growing a bubble while it's frying. Cook it til the edges start getting crispy, put it on fresh white bread or potato bread with yellow mustard and cheese if you like. To fix the deviled ham sandwich, get a can of Underwoods Deviled Ham, it's the best. Yellow mustard on your bread then spread deviled ham over that good and thick. Then get a handful of Lays potato chips crunch them up and sprinkle them on top of that, slap that other piece of bread on and you have one helluva a good sandwich. I was either watching Duck Dynasty or clip on YouTube the other day and Jase was talking about how Rednecks don't throw anything away because if they need to fix anything or build something they have the stuff to do it right there.

You can see from this picture of our bone yard my husband, Wes, is a firm believer in not throwing anything out. I have to admit Jase is right. I've seen him go out there and find just what he needed to build something or fix something. Still it does make you think of Hoarders when you see it. Then there's the little things that scream Redneck. A true Redneck or Country Boy has the ability to fix anything with baling wire and duct tape. They will always have a good supply of both-some in the house, some in the barn and some in their truck. Because you just never know. Some Links I like: If you are a Twitter fan follow @BlakeShelton. His tweets are hysterical Thanks ya'll